Let’s get the positives out the way quickly - I LOVED the scenes above ground in Cambodia because I’ve walked those paths and I could pick apart the Angkor Wat CGI scene.
The opening scene was awful, and it was somehow made worse by the shower scene. Thinking things couldn't go more downhill, everything in slow motion was terrible. And how did she get to Cambodia so quickly? I thought they said the triangle pieces were taken to opposite ends of the earth. Chincha Alta, Peru is opposite Siem Reap, Cambodia.
I think this movie had potential if they had used it - fighting religious statues could offer so much more, but obviously the statues obviously weren't ready for machine guns. Plus, I love secret society movies, any mention of the Illuminati, and I am in!
Whoever directed this really screwed the pooch. At least it wasn’t long and we got to see Jorah Mormount and Daniel Craig before they were known.
If we’re looking for a discussion question, (outside of ripping this movie apart because it’s not even so cheesy it’s good territory) are there any movies where you have a personal connection and that somehow influences your opinion? This movie and Hoosiers jump to the forefront of my mind. What do non-basketball people from outside of Indiana think of Hoosiers?
Grade, I don't know, D+
Couldn't resist commenting on the non-Tomb Raider parts early.
ReplyDeleteNon-basketball non-Indiana people also love Hoosiers because it's an underdog movie full of heart. It's a movie about how we can overcome any obstacle placed before us (better athletes, small town insecurites, our own pasts, alcoholism, etc.) and it's done very well.
No Ragrets? Not even a single letter?
Also, what's your grade?
Is this round's theme Cambodia?
ReplyDeleteI've actually been wanting to watch Tomb Raider for a while. I bought the games (all 10 games for ~$10) during a Steam Sale... and have played around a bit in a few of them. Besides the ridiculous anatomy of Lara Croft in most of the series... they're pretty entertaining. I was hoping the movies would do the game justice, but no.
Lara Croft was fine... and Jolie did okay portraying her. She was all the bad ass she is in the games, the just didn't put a good movie around the character. At least Jon Voight was in it... he amuses me. Although, he really didn't have much do to but talk to his real life daughter, he's a small plus.
But yes... the shower scene was horrible... directing Jolie to do seductive turns and faces while she's in there by herself was just odd. I actually rolled my eyes later when a scene started with the shower running.... assuming it was gonna be more of the same. So, at least they fooled me there! The slow motion was horrid. I understand that the Triangle could control time, but most of the times they used slo-mo had nothing to do with that and it was just a distraction!
A big part of the games is her acrobatics... while we got to see some of it, it really wasn't on full display... that was disappointing. I wanted to see more swinging, jumping, flipping, climbing. At least she was handy with her pistols and had the sweet clip contraption backpack.
And now for the real questions...
Why didn't Lara's dad just destroy the clock/key? Wouldn't that have solved all of this?
'Hey, the ONLY way to retrieve the pieces is to use this key. Nobody knows I've hidden it under the stairs, but i've set it up to make noise and be found, just in time for bad people that i used to hang out with to take it. My bad!' Not only did the clock get them the pieces... it HAD a piece in it, so destroying it would have solved everything.
Also, if the Illuminati knew that Mr. Croft had the clock... (or even if they hadn't, but knew he had a daughter who was a tomb raider....), wouldn't they have set up somebody in her life to basically keep tabs on her, gain her trust and make all of this WAY easier.
But hey, at least the got the baywatch shot in at the end!
Horrible movie overall... but for some reason, I'm going to watch the sequel`... and probably like it even less. I agree with Bryan.. the movie had potential, but just didn't come close to meeting them. Final grade: D
It is with more than a little trepidation that I sit down to watch this week’s pick Tomb Raider, even more when I see, to my great surprise, that I had previously rated this movie. The rating I had bestowed this gem was a measly one star. I can only assume this is because partial stars are not allowed. Despite this fact I am resolved to view this movie with fresh eyes as I have new purpose in its viewing. My questions going into the move; Does this movie succeed? Is it an action movie, a movie adaptation of a game, a tense thriller about the pillaging of ancient royal burial chambers, or some strange amalgam of all of these?
ReplyDeleteHow can a movie succeed as an action movie if the main protagonist looks too feeble to wield her own weapons let alone do battle with others? To me this movie does not succeed as an action movie. The action scenes are forced into the movie and are not of necessity to it. The plot movement they provide could be carried out in a multitude of ways given the character set in play. A surreptitious theft of the clock, or racing the clock showdown to obtain the pieces of the triangle would have heightened the tension far more than single punch knockouts and odd wall running by our nigh immortal protagonist.
Is the movie a tense thriller? Again this movie fails there is no tension when the main protagonist is almost omniscient. Laura seems to need no other characters’ in the movie. The clock expert provides no information. Indeed the only information provided in the scene is given by Laura herself. The tech expert provides next to no tech support. The butler… doesn’t do anything.
So we are left with pure videogame adaptation. The movie Laura is true to a video game in which the character you play is the only constant so they must have or be directly handed all of the information. The actions scenes play out like cut scenes in a video game serving only to set up the next round of button mashing. Furthering plot by flashback and action scene alone feels like gameplay without the actual challenge of playing the game. We are spoon fed our knowledge not through self-discovery or growth of a character but by hackneyed plot devices and convenient lapses in the protagonist’s super abilities. In the end the character of Laura Croft remains as poorly rendered and two dimensional as the object of too many mountain dew fueled wet dreams of so many tween gamers
Conclusion: perhaps this was a too true to the game adaptation.
Grade: D-
Stream of consciousness before I got bored with it:
Her arms look too flimsy. Oh she is overpowering the robot… of course.
Oh god damn there is a shitty English accent.
Wait another 5000 years? The “council” has been in operations that long? Have the bylaws changed at all?
Daniel Craig a fake American accent? The world has gone mad…
Uneventful meet cute.
Goes to a clock expert only to be told the object is “unique” and then proceed to spew undisputed conjecture about what the countdown clock is and be offered port. End scene.
Oh wait another thought about the clock which is really just the name of another person to speak to.
Antagonist- Crudely portrayed innuendo sounds like a pimpley 11 year old googled sexy writing. I fault the writers.
Is there actually any need for other characters in this movie?
Tomb Raider is exactly the type of movie that always pisses me off. It can't decide if it wants to play it straight and be an action/adventure involving real life scenarios or be a work of fantasy and utilize magic and monsters and ridiculous sequences. For some reason movie makers tend to have the idea to “take the best of both worlds” and end up with a steamy pile of crap.
ReplyDeleteTo drive my point let’s look at some comparables to Tomb Raider: How about The Mummy, National Treasure, Indiana Jones, and Resident Evil.
The Mummy- cheesy but entertaining- goes all in on the supernatural because you know it’s about a mummy that comes back to life because he had crazy magic powers. But The Mummy even throws in the society of desert people who have vowed for generations to keep the mummy buried and defeat him should some moron bring him back to life. At one point I thought Tomb Raider was going to give us this plot device to add to the story- when the Cambodians were pulling down the wall, immediately afterward the camera zooms on one concerned looking Cambodian- is this man part of a family of Cambodian physicists who maintain the booby traps in the temple over 5000 years and have invented some non-Newtonian liquid that will bring giant statues to life? Who knows that part must not have made it past the edit bay because we don’t see him anymore.
Speaking of maintaining booby traps, let’s skip over to National Treasure, another cheesy but fun movie this one plays it pretty straight. They even have the awareness to show that unmaintained underground structures tend to deteriorate after a couple hundred years- stairs collapse, ropes are frayed and stuff is pretty well not secure. Why does this ancient temple have such elaborate and properly functioning devices- again where is my secret society of Cambodian physicists. Or go full fantasy and say aliens did it for us.
Did someone say aliens? Indiana Jones- just kidding Crystal Skull doesn’t count screw you older George Lucas! In my opinion Tomb Raider should have strived to be lady Indiana Jones. She’s a well- educated archeologist- hey so is Indy. Needs sexual tension, Indy had 3 chicks to bang in his movies- Lara gets to show off some side boob- screw you guys for hating on the shower scene- then later turns Daniel Craig on into needing a cold shower. Spoiler alert: (part 2 features Gerard Butler…) We need a villain that wants to use the artifacts for world domination- Nazis vs Illuminati- awesome we’re checking off all the boxes, I’m so excited this is totally going to work. Robots, and statues coming to life and supernatural fantasy bs… now you’ve lost me. Again, pick a genre and stick to it. I’m pretty sure during the making of the movie at some point they were planning on playing it pretty straight but to not offend the gamers they included some of the fantasy to show them the different objects they’re used to fighting in the game. That decision made for a worse movie in my opinion.
Lastly, if you’re not going to play it straight as lady Indiana Jones you might as well go all-in on video game action like Resident Evil. Plot spoiler for Resident Evil coming up... Resident Evil is a fantasy movie about killing zombies that has more easily believable concept than Tomb Raider- evil corporation developing a virus, protagonist has DNA that bonds with the virus making her extra badass instead of flesh eating zombie, corporation tries to capitalize on this. Ok done now let’s get some ass-kicking going for the next 90 minutes times however many watchable sequels. Tomb Raider’s first clue they weren’t going all-in on non-stop video game action- Angelina Jolie- good enough actress (accents aside) but not an athlete whatsoever. Even watching her slow windup punching is ridiculous. They threw in the bouncy wires acrobatics for Bobby but couldn’t do a lot with her as the lead.
ReplyDeleteGood/bad news alert- this movie is definitely getting a reboot. Hayley Atwell (Cpt America) has expressed interest via Twitter which would be a decent casting if they play it straight, though I don’t think she can pull of the acrobatics either. My suggestion would be go all-in with the fantasy and acrobatics and cast America’s newest sweetheart in American Ninja Warrior Kacy Catanzaro. I’d pay my 12 bucks for that.
Final grade- tempted to say F but I like dig Angelina’s sexy sideboob action and I remember the movie being more fun the first time I watched it so I’ll pick D-.
If the 2013 video game reboot of the Tomb Raider universe is any indication, I'd be in for a movie reboot as well. The video game's story was a little goofy, but it was at least a step in the right direction.
DeleteIf anyone ever picks a movie based on visiting a location again, they deserve to be flogged, especially if it’s a trainwreck like this. I’m not even going to really talk about the movie. We all know the problems with it. The story is stupid, nearly everyone involved is phoning it in, and it’s full of those late 90’s “attitude” moments that have aged about as well as a gallon of milk left in the sun. Iain Glen’s solid villain performance keeps it from an F to a D-. I knew I should have vetoed.
ReplyDeleteStuff I did while watching this movie:
• Checked my mint.com account summary.
• Googled “Is Angelina Jolie a good actress?” and “Is Angelina Jolie a bad actress?” to see which got more results. (The first did, but most of the top results said things like “She is not a good actress,” which I feel bumps her into the bad category).
• Checked Jolie’s IMDb page to see if she made any good movies in the 2000’s. (Maybe Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but that’s it.)
• Read Matthew Berry’s “100 Facts” column for fantasy football season.
• Checked the run-time clock every 8-10 minutes.
• Looked at the box office mojo rankings of Video Game Movies by box office success. (Tomb Raider #1, Prince of Persia #2, cannot remember #3)
• Discussed a town hall meeting event with a co-worker
• Searched redbox.com for new movies coming next week to use my free rental promo code on. (Guessing either 300: Rise of an Empire or Noah)
• Checked my Amazon Wish Lists to see if any good price drops happened.
First of all. this movie. It's made for 12 year old geeky boys who want to stare at Angelina Jolie's boobs. It just is.
ReplyDeleteSecond of all- John Voight as lara croft's father? Angelina's actual father playing her movie father...I guess they weren't estranged when this movie came out. I was (pleasantly) surprised to see a young Daniel Craig (though with an American accent, which seems strange. especially given the fact that they gave Jolie a British accent) and even more surprised to see Jorah Mormont. I love a good surprise Game of Thrones cameo (I'd love it even more if it was Jon Snow, but beggars can't be choosers).
So back to this movie. What the hell is up with those two greasy pieces of hair hanging in her face? And how many of these crazy stunts did she actually do? Since the movie is comprised mostly of ridiculous stunts, I'd venture to guess that isn't actually her in about...75% of the movie. But just a guess. I'm surprised anyone even hired her to do anything after this mess. I'm not a big Angeline Jolie fan...can you tell? (team Jennifer Aniston all the way).
So really. Back to the movie and not just Angeline and her boobs. I'm not sure what makes this movie so so incredibly bad. The acting is bad. The plot line is dumb (it's so stupid simple and lacks any real substance), and I didn't care about any of the characters. In fact, not only did I not care, I genuinely disliked them. it was cheesy (and yes I know it's based on a video game, but that doesn't mean it has to be cheesy. Silent Hill was based on a video game and that movie was bad ass). They seemed to jump the shark at some points with the whole controlling time whatever mumbo jumbo. They kept saying she was risking everything to see her father again, which led me to believe maybe he was still alive and not just missing (like they said he was at the beginning). And then he was really dead, so that was kind of a bummer. The graphics totally aged the movie (hello early 2000s. Those graphics would never ever hold up today- also what would this movie look like if it was made today? Would it ever even get made? More than likely not).
And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse- that end scene with her walking out in the fancy dress? What was the point of that? And then the last frame freezing on her face..dumb. And cheesy. Cheesy and dumb.
The one redeeming (and I don't even want to use that word) quality was those scenes in the temple. Those were gorgeous shots. That's it. That's all I got. Oh and Hartman, I asked Shane why in the world you picked this movie and he told me b/c of the location. To that I say- what a piss poor reason.
That's all..I'm not sorry I didn't see this movie back when it first came out. I wasn't a 12 yr old boy, so I wouldn't have enjoyed it then and I didn't enjoy it now. I'll go with D for my grade.
I'm one of the few people who like Angelina Jolie....and her boobs. That is why Original Sin isn't that bad of a film.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ashli on the audience for the film. Definitely meant for them. I played the games and enjoyed them but then I re-watched the movie. It was not as good as I remembered.
All of you have mentioned the various problems with the movie and I will not quarrel with you on those points. It is a bad movie and Jolie's worst. She is a gifted actress and absolutely gorgeous but not even those qualities helped this film.
Yeah, I stopped watching it after the auction scene, which was about twenty minutes into the movie. I liked how she plopped herself next to the George Will doofus. That was cool but when I heard Daniel Craig in an American accent, I was done.
Terrible movie. Oh the humanity.
Grade: D-
I totally get why Bryan picked this movie. I seek out movies that are about a place I'm interested in. Movies set in Vegas when I'm closing in on a trip, sure, I've been there. Some movies nail the sense of place, and are legitimately evocative. I get it. It just sucks that this movie made it onto an Internet list about movies set in Southeast Asia, because it's a goddamn disaster.
ReplyDeleteI resolved to give this a chance. Maybe it would get to a nice C+, mindless action range. Instead, it lost me the second that robot showed up, three minutes in. Shitty wire work with all Croft's flips, weird crotch shots, suddenly she's stronger than something that just pushed over a stone column, it's all shitty nonsense. Then, she fires up 'Lara's Party Mix' and gets put in a softcore porn scene, and I'm basically done. This is such a deep hole to dig so early that there's no getting out.
There's so many half-assed ideas here. I don't think you have to try hard to make a movie like this. Indiana Jones cracked the formula decades ago. A MacGuffin, some against-the-odds action, globe-hopping, a double-cross, supernatural finale, all's well. Tomb Raider tries to do this and fails at every turn. They could call the MacGuffin literally anything. Make up a new word for it. Instead, they go with Triangle of Light, forgetting that every time someone says they're looking for the Triangle, they sound more ridiculous than if they were looking for the Align-a-scope, or something. Topper nails it with how powerful Lara is. She always knows exactly what to do and is perfectly capable of doing it. Indy got the shit kicked out of him on a regular basis, and it made him human. There's no character reversals, as everyone is exactly who they say they are. The movie is clearly setting up Jon Voight not being dead in the beginning, first by casting Jon Voight and then by talking about how much everyone misses him. Nope, really dead. Craig is completely wasted. Mormont is just a villain. The movie makes no effort at actually being decent. It relies purely on brand recognition to get butts in seats, which I was sad to find out it succeeded at.
Put this group in a room, and we could have written a better movie than this. Every plot development is the laziest possible idea, and every action scene has been done better dozens of times. Relationship exposition is the fucking worst. Hi, tech guy who's lived here for years, I'm going to ask you for the first time why you live out in a trailer. Why not bring out that robot to fight the intruders? Planetary alignment is on the same level as 10% brain usage in the rankings of bullshit plot mechanics. The Illuminati is an ancient society with one purpose (find...THE TRIANGLE) but has done no prepping for its emergence, even though they know exactly when it's going to happen. The phrase time storm is said like the viewer should automatically know what it is (Ohhhh, it's a Time Storm). Did Craig and Croft have a previous relationship off-camera that was never referenced, because why the fuck should I, or her, give a shit if he dies?
The direction by the auteur who brought us Con Air is garbage, too. Why bother filming that motorcycle scene from the mansion to the auction house? Nothing happens during it. Just cut to the goddamn auction house. You shut down traffic for this? The statues coming to life is a fine idea, but they pose no threat to anyone important, and don't stop the characters from doing anything, and they don't show up til after they've gotten...THE TRIANGLE. The final fight was the worst. Mormont kicks the shit out of her with a knife in his chest, camera zooms in tight on his face, Croft pops out and kicks the shit out of him. Why did the tables turn so quick? Why couldn't he see her get back up? Just because she's out of frame doesn't mean she disappeared. Then, that insane cut from the dog sled to the mansion. Did the Illuminati men just go home? None of this makes any sense!
ReplyDeleteI have nothing good to say about this. The parts filmed in Southeast Asia just looked like generic jungle. The ruins looked like sets. I'm lukewarm on Jolie, but the script and direction were so terrible, it'd take much better actors than exist in this cast to elevate it, so I don't hold anything against her for this. It's all just a cash grab, treating people that play video games like braindead idiots, which to be fair, may have been the case with Tomb Raider games. You don't make your protagonist look like that without knowing exactly what you're doing. However, writing this out, I think this is a good-bad movie. The Last Airbender and The Hangover Part 2 are bad-bad movies, offensive and ugly to the core. This is gibberish that takes itself seriously, the magic formula for a good-bad movie. I can imagine watching this again in a group and laughing my ass off. It's a D+, objectively bad with the redeeming quality of entertaining incompetence.
Discussion question: why are video game adaptations so terrible? Is it under-estimation of video game fans? Do video game narratives just not conform to movie narratives, making a good adaptation impossible?
Have there been any truly good video game adaptations? Seems like they've been awful since Mario Brothers. (How the fuck that movie ever ended up that way I'll never know.) Street Fighter should have been aborted. Mortal Kombat at least had a good song and is at least a guilty pleasure at this point. I enjoyed the Final Fantasy movie, though I know its not by any means great. Don't know if I've seen any other video game movies.
DeleteAnyway, I think because games are more action driven, you don't need a complicated story line. Lara Croft: Go find a McGuffin. It's not in this level, try a different level until you find it. Oh here's a random character and some dialogue. Go do some slick looking flippies. Basically, I think, the only way to make a good video game movie is to have a cool character and develop that character completely independent of the video game. Like, where did Mac come from in Punch Out? Maybe his movie ends when he enters the ring with Glass Joe? I don't know, just a thought.
I'm curious to see what happens to video game movies now that the video game industry has tried to make decent plots. We have only just begun to see video game narratives catch up with movies in terms of plot. I think if the correct franchises are chosen, we can get some good stuff out of it. FWIW, they are making a movie based on The Last of Us. It is going to be a direct adaptation of the game's story and will be written by the creative director of the game itself. It's probably going to be the best litmus test we will get for whether or not you can make a decent video game movie.
DeleteSo far, nearly every video game franchise that has become a movie has never been known for its story. The only franchises that ever built a decent world and was made into a movie were Resident Evil and Silent Hill. Resident Evil isn't great, but hey, they have made five of em, so they're pleasing someone. I've never seen Silent Hill, but the reviews are terrible, so guess that was a miss. Regardless, we've only had two honest shots in my mind, and both were in the horror genre.
In addition - this is somewhat insane - every franchise ever made into a movie was a franchise that was created in the original Playstation era or earlier (http://www.boxofficemojo.com/genres/chart/?id=videogameadaptation.htm). World-building was not even a word back then. Now, there are several universes that are wrought with stories to tell - Halo, Mass Effect, Dragon Age, The Last of Us, Bioshock, even Gears of War - as well as several instances of just fantastic narratives that could have worked as movies - Spec Ops: The Line, Gone Home, & Shadow of the Colossus come to mind immediately. It's all about picking the right world. So far, it just hasn't happened.
How about an Elder Scrolls movie series? I'd watch as long as they weren't laughably bad SciFy channel offerings
DeleteSelecting a movie based on location alone is not a good decision. I almost did that myself with a docu-drama called Snow of tha Bluff. It's about a real life stick-up boy living in a neighborhood in Atlanta that I drive through to get to my old internship. But I knew that there was no way half of you would understand the dialogue since its a pretty unique Atlanta dialect and I could only understand half of it. That said, I enjoyed the movie and anyone who romanticizes Omar Little should watch what a real Omar Little is.
ReplyDeleteI digress...
I watched this movie before. I stopped. As a 19 year old. That's how bad this movie is. A 19 year old male turned it off. So I decided to do a running diary with thoughts a la Sports Guy.
115 million dollars. That was the reported budget for this movie. So even if the plot isn't good, the action should be. I've seen it before, but I can't recall. I'm fully expecting Charlie's Angels type action. (What a dreadful movie.)
First robot fight. Changes clips after 25-30 shots. Clip changing is super cool. Next clips she fires double that at least. Not a good start. Then she holds up the weight is a metal machine. Because sheet metal is super light. Even though it's a fake situation, come on.
Christ, that accent is awful.
Shower scene. Id get excited if this was an R rated movie. I guess in 2001, youporn didn't exist, so PG-13 shower scenes were probably cooler then. (Reminds me of porn on Kent's computer I downloaded once. Never could delete that off of his hard drive. Sorry, Shrocker.)
Sketch looking bad guys. Jorah Mormont before he falls in love with a 14 year old girl. I like that the bad guy in charge of the Illuminati bluntly told us they only have one chance. Little does he know whatever they're going after won't matter since Jay-Z and Lebron will be joining the Illuminati later in the 2000's. (Source: My uncle Steve)
RIP Lara's dad. Nice tombstone location.
Lara is barely clothed looking at the stars. Looks great. Poor (butler?) dude she's with is in a suit, just sweating his balls off. Wishes he could bang Lara, but he'd probably pass because his ball are so sweaty. (¡Muy embarrassing!)
Jon Voigt comes back into his daughter's life in a movie. What a hero. Just ignores her her whole life until she becomes famous and then reconciles in a blockbuster movie.
Has sleeping with a knife ever helped anyone? Seems like mostly people just swing at a lot of empty air. If empty air had a lobbyist, there'd be a law against sleeping with knives. That joke sounded better in my head.
Cute robot friends? Wonder where his blowbot is. (That's a robot that gives BJs. You know that guy has made one.)
Hell yeah. When something important is in a container, I strike the container with a hammer that I keep in my pocket.
Motorcycle vroom! Techno vroom! Lara Croft can fight, take sexy showers AND drive a motorcycle. This movie was made for people with bad goatees.
Daniel Craig's accent isn't that bad. Are Americans known for talking through their noses though?
Sweet burn out, Angelina Jolie body double. People who drive motorcycles are the fucking worst because they'd view that burnout as something legit cool. Loud pipes save lives! Fuck you, I'd rather you die.
Creepy long hair guy is creepy. Jorah is pretty smooth. Unfortunately for him we know he's a bad guy because he has slicked back hair. Reminds me of my favorite Onion article ever: http://www.theonion.com/articles/nations-slickedbackhair-men-rally-against-negative,2449/
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ReplyDeleteOhhhhh. Robot fellow is jealous. He'll probably beat up on Blowbot later on out of emotional frustration.
ReplyDeleteCrazy how when she's doing bungee exercises, because that's a thing in 2001, her shirt is just loose enough to show off her sweet abs, but not her ample chest.
Ahhhh. What a poetic scene. Classical music set against dudes breaking in!
Cue inept henchmen! If only the second amendment heroes on Facebook had been hired to take her out. All that time they spend on target practice and they would have actually killed her and mercifully the movie would have ended here. Unfortunately, there's more to go.
Fuck. An explosion woke up Geoff. Go back to sleep. Go back to sleep. Please stop looking at me. Close your eyes. Whew. Nerd guy's voice did it. Or maybe it was the plot.
She found her car keys in the middle of a fire fight! Lol! Comic relief!
I like that no one can hit anyone with bullets, but she punched someone in the face with a gun while on her bike.
Glad to see Jorah praying to the Old Gods and the New.
UPS PRODUCT PLACEMENT. They'll deliver everywhere including mansions that have been shot up.
More lawyer jokes you guys.
WHY NOT SPLIT THE TRIANGLE INTO MORE THAN TWO PIECES AND THEN THROW THEM INTO THE GODAMN OCEAN?!?
Jon Voigt had a chance to destroy the triangle as well. Apparently he's worse at saving the world than hernia being a father.
Hey! Cambodia! I think is see Bryan behind a tree. Laughing at us for making us watch this.
There's Jorah and his slaves. Ned Stark is gonna be piiiiisssed when he finds out.
How the fuck does Lara know which jungle paths to drive her truck down?
Everyone has an non-American accent except Daniel Craig? Why? What made them come to that decision. "We need an American bad guy. And, uhh, he needs be an English actor! That'll win over audiences everywhere."
Mystical children running around a temple!
Lara just fell 50 feet and caught some ropes without tearing her arms out of her sockets. That's like a Crossfit workout except there was no one else around to talk about it for hours on end.
I like that whoever built the temple was attempting to hide the triangle stuff, so they left clues about how to use it in visible sculptures. Subtle.
Oh. Daniel Craig has a Swingers accent now. He's so sexy. He'll probably wait 3 days to call Lara after this is over.
Lara is riding a giant pendulum penis. She somehow thinks pulling a rope in the middle of the penis would slow it down. Lara Croft sucks and physics.
Glad to see they brought the special effects team back from Mortal Kombat.
Daniel Craig's feet do more damage than bullets. These stone warriors just aren't good at their jobs. Also, glad the see the henchmen can shoot stone warriors, but can't hit Lara.
Hahaha. Pretty sure the six-armed statue was designed by the same person who designed Legends of the Hidden Temple. What artifact would Olmec pick from this movie? I want it to be Jorah's slicked back hair. It maybe Blowbot, not that I'm into Blowbot or anything.
Well, Daniel Craig works out more than I do. What's new?
Ha ha! Cold shower! He's gonna go jerk off.
Now Lara has to work with the Illuminati. Did M. Night Shamalan write this movie? What a twist!
ReplyDelete"One tomb raider is good. Two... Better." Maybe that's true in that world, but in this world the two Tomb Raider movies are five too many.
Hell yeah. Speak louder when talking to generic type native folks. Comic relief! Silly natives can't speak English.
They're driving on ice bergs and Lara is wearing a light jacket. Sure. I dig the sexy fur. Seriously, whenever a lady is wearing animal or animal print, guys just want to treat them so classy.
Christ, stop-go animation would have been better special effects.
Seriously, Jorah has the best voice ever. Is there anyone else you'd rather narrate your life? Morgan Freeman maybe? Dawson from the
Adam Carolla Show? Billy West?
Peace out, Illuminati leader. Sorry you never got to meet Lebron.
Jorah's gut feelings are never wrong because they include stabbing Daniel Craig in the stomach. (Nice play on words, you sleek haired bastard.)
Wet t-shirt contest Panama City '01! That jogs my memory of when my dad took Joe and me to a wet t-shirt contest in 2006 or so in Daytona. It was odd enough going to a wet t-shirt contest with my dad, but what made it worse was that it was the 1 PM contest during bike week. So many 45 year old boobies. My eyes. Christ, my eyes still burn.
"You were never alone. Except when I was an absentee father." -Jon Voigt
The song during the reverse time thingy is actually a pretty awesome song. Maybe my favorite part of the movie. (Groove Armada's "Edge Hill" for those keeping score at home.)
Jorah gets stabbed in the shoulder and just now do all the henchmen quit on him? Why? Why would that make a difference? Did they think he couldn't be stabbed before or something? Is not being ale to he stabbed a rule to lead henchmen into battle? Why do horses have shoes? Are there horse socks?
Slow motto bouncing boobs time!
Still expecting Reptile to pop out of the statues.
Dogs are the best!
And magically back at the mansion. Maybe Shao Kahn pops up behind the mansion? Maybe Abe Lincoln, Chubbs and the Gator too? I'm ready for anything, mostly for this movie to be over.
Thank God. It's done. This is a D movie. I almost went D+ or C-, but then I remembered they spent 115 million dollars on it. Yikes.
Shane, I appreciate the running commentary. A little long, but a decent read.
ReplyDeleteLocation will always be reason enough to pick a movie in my book.
Is "Your Book" "50 Shades of Grey" or some other drivel?
DeleteFigured I'd bring this up as it's the only decent point of discussion I can drag out of this corpse...
ReplyDeleteWho here has seen "Haywire?" If you haven't, it doesn't have a great plot or Oscar-worthy acting, but it did help to usher in a new era of real female action stars. Gina Carano was believable in it b/c she can legitimately kick ass. She acts about as well as an MMA fighter would be expected to act, but she nails every action scene.
Seeing Angelina Jolie trying to do action here was jarring by comparison. I'm sure with enough cutaways or something, it could have worked better. However, my point here is pretty simple: the days of hot chicks in action movies just b/c they're hot are LONG GONE. That's why Jolie is making shit like Malificent and hasn't been in an action movie since 2010. That market is dead, and it'll shock me if it ever comes back. Too many female action specialists are out there now - Gina Carano and Michelle Rodriguez immediately come to mind. If Angelina Jolie would have come along now, she would have had almost no career. In fact, we know exactly what her career would have been - the career that Megan Fox is having, which is, well.... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1083271/?ref_=nv_sr_1
One of the great concepts I've seen & heard over at Grantland is the "market correction" phenomenon. It was coined primarily by Wesley Morris. It essentially says that two actors cannot coexist, b/c they are going for the exact same roles, and eventually, one will win out. A couple examples they used were...
Amy Adams (winner) vs. Jessica Chastain (loser)
Tom Hanks (winner) vs. Kevin Costner (loser)
I think we can add actresses of Jolie's ilk to the loser pile as well. Look at her upcoming stuff - Kung Fu Panda 3, Salt 2, and a movie she's writing and directing for herself and Brad Pitt. THAT IS IT. And Salt 2 has no date, probably b/c it will crash and burn spectacularly.
Sorry messed up some of those market corrections. Here's how Bill Simmons put it in a mailbag last year...
Delete"Quick tangent: In our aforementioned podcast last week, Wesley Morris mentioned his “market corrections” theory and how, sometimes, there can be only one “type” of successful lane for one actor (only with multiple actors vying for it). An example he liked: Mark Harmon never making it as a leading movie actor because Kevin Costner took all of those marquee roles that could have gone to Harmon from 1988 through 1995. Costner was Harmon’s market-correction guy, the guy blocking Harmon from having a Costner-like career.
Same for Tom Hanks and Michael Keaton — they battled for seven years for “funny/likable comic actor who dabbles in serious roles and will eventually become an A-lister” supremacy, with Keaton gaining an early A-list upper hand in 1989 thanks to the Batman movies. What happened to Hanks?Total tailspin! That was his Joe Versus the Volcano/Bonfire of the Vanities stretch — three years of forgettable movies. When Hanks rallied back in 1992 with A League of Their Own, then Sleepless in Seattle, Philadelphia (Oscar) and Forrest Gump (Oscar), what happened to Keaton? TAILSPIN! As Wesley says, there could be only one."
I actually enjoyed Salt.. and will gladly watch Salt 2 if it ever comes around.
DeleteAngelina wasn't great (though I do think she's a better actress than Fox), but i think the directing in Tomb Raider was worse... and nobody was gonna save that.
Directing might be an issue for emotion and timing, but I'm talking more about just how she moved. Biggest example is when she's bashing in the wall to find the clock - she doesn't look like she has any idea how to bash it in. Just the fluidity of the movement was pathetic. There are other instances, but this one sticks out the most.
DeleteRight... wouldn't that be on the director?
Delete"Cut... you call that bashing into a wall.. do this:....."
She's done enough in her career, even if you don't think all too highly, that should should be able to do it a certain way given the direction and multiple takes.
But in the end.. we're looking at what the Director was happy, or at least... okay with, using.
I don't think you can say the actor or actress is completely absolved for being unable to do something the role required. I'm guessing this went one of two ways on the set....
Delete1) She did it horribly about five times, complained, and they just moved on.
2) They had one prop wall, and they were gonna take whatever they got because who really cares.
I'm guessing it's the latter, but I don't know.
It appeared to me that Jolie simply couldn't do it, and that's more of a casting issue. Thinking back on Jolie's other movies I've seen, I cannot think of another instance where she needed to show some level of physical strength. She's passable at the cardio fitness stuff, but actual strength? Forget it.
I liked Mr and Mrs Smith and Salt. Looking back I'd say she's still rigid in the action scenes and fight choreography but those were better all around movies and didn't rely on the action alone.
DeleteI wanted to like Mr. and Mrs. Smith because I'd go gay for Brad Pitt, but I just couldn't get down with Jolie doing anything physical. She's just obviously not an athlete. You can't teach that. Robbins in Bull Durham is a great example and because the movie is otherwise good enough, but his pitching drives me crazy. Part of what I love about Hoosiers is that those kids could play ball. The TV show Friday Night Lights has issues, but the lack of football plays is not one of them. Because the football looks pretty good, I was willing to give it a pass on that terrible second season.
DeleteDo I need to give Mr. and Mrs. Smith a second shot?
DeleteIt is what it is Shane - I don't know if Mr. and Mrs. Smith has aged as gracefully. It's got some pretty ridiculous scenes, but it's fun if nothing else.
DeleteBeyond that, EXACTLY my point about Jolie. For example, my brother does not know how to run right. He can "run," but it looks goofy and just wrong. Coaches have tried to help in the past, but it's just his natural style. You'll see similar things with NBA shooting styles too. That's Jolie's problem - she doesn't do that physical stuff with the right fluidity.
Then Phil, you should watch Original Sin because she is good at the physical stuff in that film.
DeleteAlso and more serious, she has some pretty intense scenes in Girl, Interrupted. That is one of her better movies.
Original Sin's RT summary: "Laughably melodramatic, Original Sin features bad acting, bad dialogue, and bad plotting." - Uh, I'll just take your word for it?
DeleteAnd ok, she has one good performance. So does Mo'nique.
RT is not always a good indicator of a good film. Your central nervous system is. :)
DeleteI only have so much free time Drew - I'm not burning it on a movie with that description.
DeleteI believe the physical scenes Drew refers to in Original Sin can be seen on MrSkin or whatever particular site you prefer
DeleteYet you would for others...so sad :P
ReplyDelete99% of my free time that doesn't involve my wife or this stuff is video games & horse racing.
DeleteLooks like you need to pick Original Sin if you want him to watch it, Drew!
DeleteHaha - maybe
Delete